5 Steps to Speaking Up & Out
What happens to us when we try to speak up for ourselves, or when we even think we want to speak up, shape us dramatically. Every year, I work with scores of professionals from all walks of life who come with one key problem — they can’t speak up for themselves or assert their boundaries. In many cases, their boundaries are non-existent, which translates into their allowing anyone to do anything they wish to them. Everything that you experienced as you attempted to develop and assert your boundaries as a child and teen has affected you deeply and is within you now, unless you’ve done the work to revise it, heal it, and change it. What went on then has made an indelible mark on you.
To help you take new steps to learn to speak up more powerfully for yourself, and advocate for your own needs, values, and wishes, below are five key steps to begin to engage in today.
I. Examine what you learned in childhood.
Ask yourself, “What do I remember about how it went when I said to my authority figures “No,” “I don’t’ agree with you,” or “Don’t do that to me.”
If you’re in touch with yourself, you’ll most likely remember some very pivotal, emotional moments. Maybe it went well, maybe it went terribly. Perhaps you got hit or were fiercely ridiculed. Perhaps you were laughed at and told you were stupid.
Sit with it, and think about what you learned about speaking up and how you were treated when you tried to assert and defend your boundaries.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Did I have strong role models for effective, empowered communication?
- Did my mother speak in an empowered way? My father?
- How did the people around me (including my teachers, relatives and other authority figures) act when others spoke up for their rights and their boundaries? How about my siblings?
- Who did it well, who didn’t do it well? What happened when they tried?
- How did gender play into who had the power and authority in my family and life?
Then think about how all this affects you today.
II. Get very clear about what you need to say, and have that conversation.
Start with the one person who is violating your boundaries most or disrespecting you and it needs to stop. What do you need to say “No!” to today?
Start by committing to have the most pivotal conversation you need to have. But before you do, realize that the process of building our boundaries and learning to speak up for ourselves can “perturb the system,” meaning others can and will get upset by this because they’re used to walking all over you. So before you do this, get very clear about what you want to say, and manage your emotions best you can. If this is challenging, you’ll want to get some outside help to support you, probably a close friend or partner with whom you can rehearse what to say.
For example, let’s say you have a new person on your team whom you’ve hired, and they’re not pulling their weight. In fact, they’re really falling down. You’ve got to become crystal clear about what you’re going to say, and what you’re going to do. My hope is that you’d give this person another chance, if that is the right scenario.
Offer clear examples of the turn-around behaviour you need, and share that with compassion, gentleness and respect.
III. Be the highest version of yourself when you communicate.
What happens to most of us in very tough interpersonal situations is that, unfortunately, we become incredibly stressed, defensive or angry. And when we’re flooded with emotion, our clarity and balance fly out the window.
Say what needs to be said, but don’t do it from a frail, defensive ego or with harshness, but with strength and compassion. Be the highest version of yourself (rise above any pettiness, egotism and over-sensitivity to be the best you can be) when you’re having these powerful conversations, and it will go much better for both parties.
IV. Understand the ecosystem and the individual you’re dealing with.
Before you communicate and speak up for yourself, you need to understand exactly who and what you’re dealing with, and make your plans accordingly. For instance, what is the culture of your organization? Does it foster trust, openness and transparency, or is everyone hiding and pretending (and backstabbing)? Once you’re clearer on what you’re dealing with, you’ll know better the best approach to speak up and assert your boundaries.
You also have to understand the ecosystem- whether it’s your family, or workplace, or another system. How does your company treat people who speak their mind powerfully? How do the leaders and managers feel about others speaking up about tough issues? How do they feel about women? Are there gender and other forms of discrimination at work?
Before you speak up powerfully, understand what you’re dealing with and formulate the best plan you can so that you can be heard and understood in the deepest way possible but also get what you need.
V. Prepare for the consequences
Many people resist speaking up for themselves because they dislike angering others. Many parents are authoritative as they don’t want their kids to be mad at them. The same is true of managers. so they let problems continue without effectively addressing them. But those fears make us weak and ineffective in our roles, and serious damage can be done if we’re not taking on the challenges of our lives in empowered, straightforward ways.
If you’re striving every minute to make everyone happy, then you’re not making yourself happy, and you’re not saying and doing what needs to be done to live a successful, fulfilling life.
In the end, part of speaking up for yourself and Banishing your inner critic is accepting that there will be consequences. Prepare for them, understand what may come back your way when you speak your truth, and be ready for that. If that’s too challenging on your own, find a great mentor, coach, or advocate to support you through this life-affirming process.
Find the courage to speak up so you can honour your own boundaries, clarify what is not acceptable to you, and start living a happier, healthier, more empowered life.